Good update for Conley!

Conley's MRI showed that the hemangioma on her head has no inter-cranial activity, which was great news! She did great during the MRI too! We fed her a bottle and then swaddled her up tight with her passy, and she stayed still the entire time. It lasted about 25 minutes, and was really loud. Matt and I were given earplugs so we could stay right by the machine to watch her. If she hadn't already had her hearing test, I would have been worried! She just kept sucking away on her pacifier. I think the constant noise was almost comforting to her. Granted, with Campbell around, the babies are used to constant noise! Also, she checked out fine at the cardiologist, so we were able to start her medicine this past Tuesday! We are excited to see the progress f the hemangioma reduction over the next couple weeks. Thank you for the continued prayers!

We also had a fun Halloween! Pictures to come!!!

Update on Conley's Eye Treatment

We saw Dr. Hunt at Cook's in Hurst. We were very happy with him. The three options that Dr. Hunt discussed with us were 1) steroid injections 2) oral steroids or 3) Propranolol. He said the steroid injections can possibly cause skin discolorations. Also, the injections would only be to treat the hemangioma on her eye, whereas the oral treatments would also reduce the hemangioma on her head. The oral steroids of course have some side effects that would have to be monitored. The third option was the one that he felt best about. They have only actually used it in a handful of patients at this point to treat hemangiomas, but they have had impressive results with all of them. They have found that Propranolol, which I believe is typically prescribed for blood pressure, reduces the appearance of hemangiomas. He said even in the first couple weeks we will see a big difference in the color and intensity even. She would be on the medicine until at least 6 months, and possibly up to 12 months since hemangiomas typically can continue growth up to 12 months. We will see a cardiologist next Wed morning to determine if she is a good candidate for the medication...make sure she has no heart problems that would prevent her from being a good candidate. If she checks out fine, we will begin her on the medication very soon. She is opening that eye less and less now, so I'm very anxious to start the treatment in hopes that it will reduce the size quickly. She also has an MRI scheduled for next Friday to determine if the hemangioma on her head goes deep enough to be threatening to her brain. Of course, we are VERY hopeful that it will determine that there is NO threat there! Big prayers for those results!! Thankfully, we will find out that same day what the MRI says. Our pediatrician's office will call us that afternoon with the results. The treatment for the eye will also reduce the one on her head since it is an oral treatment rather than a local injection, so that is a benefit to the third option as well. It sounds like something that they have only recently used in the last couple years. The opthamologist has worked very closely with a pediatric dermatologist as well as the cardiologist on this treatment in past patients.

We felt good about all the information that he shared with us. I was so glad that he wasn't recommending surgery or laser removal. We are also going to start having chiropractic care for our entire family, and our chiropractor is very hesitant for Conley to be on any medication. It is so important for us to treat this soon so that her eyesight is not affected, since her eyes are being trained so much in these first few months. I'm not sure that the chiropractor is going to have a better alternative option for us, so I think we feel good about moving forward with this medication as treatment.

I'm so thankful that we are making progress with the doctors so quickly on her treatment. We are so anxious for her to be able to open that eye completely as soon as possible. Thank you all for your continued prayers for our precious Conley. We are so so so blessed with our girls!!

Prayers for sweet Conley!

Oh our poor sweet Conley, say prayers for her (and me!)! The "angel kisses" on her head and eye are actually hemangiomas that have started to raise up over the last week. They are much darker and larger than when she was first born. Since we saw Dr. Radimecky last week for their 2 week appointment, they have gotten worse, and the one in her eye started to concern me. Over the last few days, she is unable to completely open her eye. It looks so sad! I took her back in Wednesday for him to look at it again. He was immediately concerned. He said we need to have an opthamologist look at it to see about maybe even removing it, because if it blocks her pupil, it will affect her vision and probably cause her to have a lazy eye. He is also concerned about the one on her head and how deep it may go. We have an appointment with the opthamologist tomorrow at 7:30 am at Cook Children's in Hurst. They are also setting up a CT scan for the one on her head, and they will call me with that appointment time once that is setup. He said that the one on her eye would probably have to be removed with a laser since hemangiomas bleed so much. As much as I hate the way that they look on her sweet face and head, I wish that they were able to just be left alone. I feel bad that she might have to have them removed. I just hope that they can decide with confidence one way or the other, and if they do choose to remove them, I hope that they are very safe procedures. I also read that sometimes they shrink them using steroid injections. Of course, I want them to do whatever is necessary for her well-being in the long-term, but she is just so small right now. It's so sad and scary for me to think about her having to go through any of this, but it's also sad and scary to think about what it is doing to her eye. I'm thankful that we are having it looked at so early. I hope that we find out as much as possible tomorrow, and that with confidence they can decide on a plan of action that we can move forward with soon. I also pray that it is something that will be as least invasive for her and will have an easy recovery.

Here are pictures of her eye at 2 weeks and then again today at 3 weeks. This past week it has gotten so much worse, so quickly.

Beautiful girls at 2 weeks - eyes wide opened

Beautiful Conley at 2 weeks

Sweet, beautiful Conley at 3 weeks

Dear Lord, please protect our sweet and precious Conley Kate and give me strength to be the best Mommy for her right now and to do what is best for her. Thank you God for all of our beautiful girls!

Much too late update!

OK, so I clearly have got to be better about updating the blog! The problem is FACEBOOK!! I update Facebook all the time and forget that not everyone is on FB. Anyways, each day we are doing better on our new "routine"! I'm feeling better and better everyday! I'm still SO counting down the days where I can sleep longer. Right now the pediatrician still wants me setting an alarm to wake up for feedings every 3 hours (which is start of feeding to start of next feeding ... which means really about 1 1/2 hours - 2 hours of sleep in between feedings IF they go to sleep and stay asleep after each feeding) until they are probably about 2 months old. He wants them to be around 7 or 8 lbs before we let them sleep longer without eating. The girls were 3 weeks old yesterday! Only 3 more weeks until I'm officially "back to normal" ... LA Fitness, here I come!!

Campbell is still doing so well with her new sisters. She is VERY sweet with them always. Whenever she isn't sure which baby you are holding, she will ask, "what is that?", which really means "who is that?" She'll talk in a sweet high pitch voice and say, "Hi sweet gull [girl], what are you doing?" It's so cute! She'll also say, "Mommy! I've never seen this baby before! She is so cute!" She often says, "I love her" while touching their heads too. She really is very sweet with them. She does, however, still do a LOT to get attention. She has completely regressed on potty training. She still goes "tee-tee" on the potty just fine, but the other has become a problem ... a DAILY problem. It's so frustrating! I don't want us to punish her, but it's so frustrating since we know that she knows better. We are trying to use positive reinforcement as incentives, but it's not yet working. We have LOTS of goodies on display in the bathroom that she gets to pick from when she goes poo poo on the potty. She talks about them a lot as if she is ready to earn a prize, but then she inevitably has an accident that day. We ask her ALL the time if she wants to try to go, and she says, "not yet Mommy." She is also not listening very well. Everyone asks us how hard it is to have twins, but really they are a breeze ... ha ha! It's the almost 3 year old that is the handful right now!

Here are some pictures over the past couple weeks.

Our Family of FIVE!

OK, so we clearly didn't have a plan for September 30th :-) ... and we didn't communicate too well with all of our friends. Anyways, the girls decided to come last Wednesday ... they decided they wanted to be September babies instead of October! I went in for a sonogram and check-up. The girls looked great at the sonogram. Then we went to see Dr. Wood for my checkup. She decided to go ahead and check my cervix. I was dilated 4 cm!! She sent me back to the hospital to be monitored and rechecked 2 hours later. If I progressed past 4 cm, I would be admitted for delivery. She told me to go ahead and take out my Terbutaline pump, which wasn't planned to come out until Friday (2 days later). Sure enough, the terb pump was doing it's job, because as soon as it came out, the contractions started coming!! Two hours later I was dilated to 5 cm. I was admitted around 2:30. Cooper Marie was born first at 6:47 PM and Conley Kate was born second at 7:03 PM. Cooper weighed 4 lbs 13 oz at 17.5 inches and Conley weighed 5 lbs 4 oz at 17.5 inches. Cooper was a breeze ... delivered with only 2 1/2 pushes! Then we had to have a c-section to deliver Conley because she turned bottom down. Although we had prayed for Conley to turn head-down to avoid a c-section, God had a better plan for us. It was a blessing that she turned that way though, because her placenta had detached/abrupted 70%. Had we been able to deliver her vaginally, it could have cut off her oxygen and caused me to lose even more blood than I had. I ended up losing twice as much blood as a normal c-section already. All that to say, we are thankful that Conley turned the way that she did! Because of the large amount of blood loss, I was VERY "out of it" during the c-section as well as the next couple days to follow. During the c-section and in the recovery room immediately after, I could not keep my eyes open hardly at all. I barely remember talking to anyone. Hence the reason for little communication while we were in the hospital. It's all still a blur really! They monitored me to see if I would need a blood transfusion, but my counts showed that the transfusion was not necessary. I was throwing up all night after the delivery into the next morning, and I could not finish conversations without falling asleep even the day after the surgery. NOT FUN when you have two beautiful babies to start to bond with! I was hooked up to an oxygen monitor the night of my surgery, which went off every time I started to doze because my levels would drop. We couldn't sleep because of the alarm going off, so they put me on oxygen finally just so I could sleep. It was such a crazy blur of a night! We stayed until Sunday because it took me until then to feel well enough to go home.

Although the delivery and recovery for Mommy were tough, the girls have done GREAT from the start! They didn't have to spend even one minute in the NICU ... PRAISE GOD!! They have been breathing just fine on their own, nursing well from the start and are absolutely beautiful (if I do say so!). We have gone for two follow ups for their weight and jaundice. Both girls are already gaining weight since we left the hospital, which is great! Cooper's jaundice has already started to go down, and Conley's did plateau today but we'll go back tomorrow to see if it is starting to go down. They both have a little bit of dark hair and definitely are identical!! We are thankful that Conley has two "angel kisses" (or "stork bites) as they are called by the nurses so that we can tell them apart. Conley has one on her head and one in the corner of her right eye. They will go away eventually, but for now we are glad that they are there so Mommy and Daddy don't feel bad getting them mixed up!

It is so strange having such tiny little babies since Campbell was born almost twice their size! They are just so precious to hold and so so sweet already! We are loving every minute with them! It is so amazing to just watch them and think what miracles they are, all three of them....Campbell, Cooper and Conley! Our ONE embryo with Campbell that was our first miracle....and then our ONE embryo with Cooper and Conley that surprised us...God is SO good! To think that they doctors didn't think our second baby would make it. I look at both of them now and can't imagine either of them not being a part of our family.

Campbell is SO sweet and cute with them and is doing great! She really is loving being a big sister! She is definitely happy to have Mommy and Daddy home with her, since we were both at the hospital from delivery until Sunday. I'm so happy to be home with her finally too ... and on my feet (although it's still a recovery process)!

We are being so careful with them being so tiny and young right now with the flu going around, so we have decided to keep Campbell out of Mother's Day Out until I return to work. We don't want her bringing home anything, and if she were to get sick she couldn't be here in the house with them until she was better. We are avoiding large crowds indoors for the time being or having them around many kiddos. We still welcome visitors to come meet them! We are just being careful not to have little kids around them right now and to sanitize well. The Women's Center at HEB actually went on "lock-down" the weekend that I was discharged only allowing immediate family to visit mommies and babies because of the flu.

Although this has been a long few months for us, it of course is all so so so worth it now having the girls here with us and being able to bring them home from the hospital immediately. We can't thank you all enough for your prayers and support for the last few months!! We are so very blessed with such wonderful friends and family!

Conley

Cooper laying on Mommy

Cooper in pink and Conley in yellow

Cooper on left and Conley on right

Conley on left and Cooper on right

Update at almost 35 weeks

I've been out of the house twice this week! Yesterday I went for our weekly doctor's visit. I had a sonogram with the perinatologist, a non-stress test and then an appointment with Dr. Wood. They are not going to check my cervix for dilation until after I pass 36 weeks and go off of my Terbutaline pump. So, all we really found out yesterday is that Cooper and Conley are doing fine and are still in their same positions ... Cooper still head-down very low, Conley still transverse up high in my ribs. All is good! It was great to get out of the house! Dr. Wood also wanted me to get a seasonal flu shot this week (which I had to find elsewhere since her office has yet to receive them) and she also approved me to attend our small group cookout on Sunday. I'm very excited about my excuses to get out and about!! This morning my mom took me to CVS for me to get a flu shot. It was the first time I've been in a store in months! I bought a few things while I was there.

I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow with only one more week of my Terbutaline pump and bed rest! We are in the home stretch and so excited!!

I have really enjoyed being home. I have loved getting to watch the season premiers of some our shows with Matt and with DVR!!! I have loved getting to lay down with Campbell and put her to bed at night. I have loved hanging out with her a lot during the days that she is not in school. I have loved getting to pick out her clothes and fix her hair again. Here are some cute pictures of her from this week.

Home Sweet Home!!

Well, I am finally home sweet home!! We got home before lunchtime on Friday!! I still can't believe I was in the hospital for 10+ weeks! I can say that looking back, it really didn't seem like 10 weeks. Considering how hard it was to stay in the same room, in the same bed for that long, I had a wonderful experience at HEB Harris. The staff was awesome, and I left with so many memories and relationships that I will always take with me. When we go back to deliver, I am hoping that we can stay in that same hall, as a postpartem patient this time, with my same nurses that I've gotten to know so well. They had such a sweet send off for me, even I was emotional! I was so glad to be getting into a car for the first time and going home, but it was a bittersweet goodbye to leave all of my new friends. They came in my room singing "Happy Going Home Day to You!" to the tune of Happy Birthday. They were carrying cupcakes from Celebrity bakery, a balloon and gift for me and a balloon and gift for Campbell. It was such a nice surprise ... so unnecessary, but very sweet! They had made a headband for Campbell to match the two newborn caps that I had made in our previous craft class. They also had a pink smiley face balloon for her. They had a MUCH too generous gift for me that a bunch of nurses had gone in on together ... a HANDSFREE Medela breastpump!! WOW! They tricked me, because I had brought in my breastpump that I have borrowed from a family friend and had lent out to others since Campbell was born. They wanted to make sure that it would be strong enough for me to use, so one of the nurses, Laura, was supposed to stop by my room to check it out and say goodbye before I left. We were starting to wonder if she was really going to come by when they came in singing with the gift. It is like the "Cadillac" of breastpumps right now ... LOL! It really is SO nice! I'm really going to give it my all to continue as long as possible!! I still can't believe they did that. I'm happy to say that I'm still in touch with lots of them on email and Facebook, so I don't feel like it was truly a goodbye. I look forward to my appointment on Wednesday morning when I'll get to pop in to say hello to everyone again. Plus, it will be a nice excuse for me to be able to get out of the house for a change of scenery. We have our sonogram and NST at the hospital first thing Wednesday morning. Then we'll head over to Dr. Wood's office for an appointment with her. I'll have that same schedule the next two Wednesdays.

Then at 36 weeks (only 10 more days!!) I'll be allowed off bed rest and off my Terbutaline pump!! I can't wait! I know I'll still "take it easy", but I've made a HUGE to-do list for that first day that I'm on my feet. I'll probably wear myself out and have to stop for a nap, but I'm looking forward to getting things done ON MY OWN before delivering ... hair cut, nails, baby bow shopping, organize, clean and "nest" at home getting things ready for babies. Everyone has been SO awesome to do so much to help me not go crazy, but the control-freak in me is going stir crazy and ready to bust out!!

Here are some pictures since being home.

Here is my sweet send-off from the nurses

Matt and Campbell taking me to the car

Getting in the car for the first time

Welcome home Mommy!

My new view

Our homemade tent for movie night my first night home

Two growing girls!!!

We had our weekly sonogram today. The girls are looking good and growing lots! Cooper is still head-down at 4 lbs 4 oz, and Conley is still transverse at 4 lbs 10 oz!! I have talked to Dr. Wood, and we are still going to try to avoid a c-section if the girls maintain these positions. We will hopefully deliver Cooper with no problems and then hope to get Conley to turn head-down to deliver immediately after Cooper. This is my prayer and hope right now ... to make it to 36 weeks and to avoid a c-section! After 12+ weeks of bed rest, I would like to avoid a surgery to recover from on top of my fatigue and muscle loss from bed rest. I'm also so looking forward to holding them as much as possible as soon as possible if I am able to once they are delivered, because just to have them far enough along they will possibly spend NO time in the NICU, will be such a blessing and I hope to be able to celebrate in that moment holding both girls in my arms!!! Wow, I just can't believe how close we are!!

Thank you ALL for your prayers over these past 10 weeks! We are so blessed and overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from so many family and friends as well as people that we don't even know personally. We have to say thank you to SOOOOOOO many helping hands that have made these last 10 weeks so much easier on us than they could have been. The meals for Matt and Campbell as well as here at the hospital (so I didn't have to get too burned out on hospital food!) have been so appreciated! The visits here at the hospital, flowers, cards and other goodies have been very heart-warming. Thank you to my mom and Matt that have spent HOURS up here with Campbell so that I could see her EVERY single day of my hospital stay. I know it was not always the most exciting thing to do. Thank you also to my mom for doing my laundry this entire time. That has been so awesome! Thank you to all of our family for the help with Campbell and the many many meals. I have eaten so well for having been in the hospital for 10 weeks :-) , and I have not had many lonely days, that's for sure! Thank you Matt for holding down the fort at home so well while I've been gone! I can't wait to be home sweet home!

We are truly blessed!!

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. He bestows rain on the earth; he sends water upon the countryside. The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety. Job 5:9-11

I will not say "Stupid"!

So, Campbell has said "Stupid!" a couple times in the last two days. I've had to start filtering some of the PG movies that sneak past us since we think they are just fun cartoons. Then they bust out with a word here and there ... stupid, crappy, butt .... you get the idea. I'm learning the difference between G and PG pretty quickly now! Anyways, when I get on to her for doing something that she shouldn't be doing, I always tell her to look at Mommy's face. If she doesn't look at me, she won't pay attention and she won't listen to what I'm saying. So, I keep telling her, "Look at Mommy's Face! We do NOT say 'stupid'. It's not a nice word. You will go to time out next time you say that!" She has now told us multiple times tonight, "Mommy, mommy, listen to my face! I will not say stupid, OK?" I am having such a hard time not laughing at her, so it's really not helping the situation. It really is pretty cute and funny when she says something like that!

Picture Update

Here are pictures from Campbell's first day of school

Here are a couple pictures of Campbell shutting herself in Shelby's crate with Shelby.

Here is a picture of Cooper's face at 32 weeks and 5 days. It's a bad angle, so her face looks very smushy. She is looking straight on in this picture and her left arm and hand are up by her forehead along the right side of the picture.

Here is a picture of Conley's face at 32 weeks and 5 days. This picture is also of her face looking straight on.

Almost 33 Weeks!

I can't believe I haven't posted an update since last week! Well, I'm still in the hospital. My fFN test on Thursday came back positive, so they are keeping me here until 34 weeks. Today, I have been here 9 weeks. We had a sonogram this morning. Both girls looked fine and my cervix is still measuring between 1.1 and 1.2. All is good! Cooper is turned where we can't see her face very well, but she is being such a good little girl staying head-down. Conley is still laying across me up high. She was so cute today, because we could see the fullness in her face with her chubby cheeks and she opened her mouth a couple times as if to yawn. I just can't wait to finally get to see them and hold them!!! It's so funny, because I can only picture our babies looking like Campbell, so I just imagine two more little Campbells in there :-) ! It will be so fun to finally see what they really look like. Will they be blonde or brunette? Will they have much hair or be bald like Campbell was? Will they look like a spitting image of Matt or actually resemble me even in the slightest??? We will see!

Campbell started school yesterday. She is going to First Kids Academy at First Baptist Euless on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I can already tell that this year will be so much more fun for her and for us! Last year we would ask her about her day and she would maybe answer questions with a yes or a no, but yesterday I asked her, "what did you do at school today?" She was very excited to answer, "I went to sleep, and we played in the MUSCLE room, and we watched a movie...it was Veggie Tales!" I love that she can tell us about her day!! She was so excited! This year she is going to have so many more activities at school too ... dance, music, spanish. I think she even has a recital that the parents get to go watch at least once. I'm very excited for her! She wore her big girl panties and Matt didn't have to pack any pull-ups. She is doing so great!! I think she really is becoming an official "big girl"! Matt took the camera yesterday, so there are pictures to come!!

I also had another big day on Monday ... I made the news again! Too funny! Fox 4 News was out here to cover the story of the program that they have here for us "Mommies in Waiting". They did a really good job presenting it I thought. The reporter was Brandon Todd. He and the cameraman, Nune, were really nice! Also, my friend from college, Casey, happened to stop by and they asked her to come in to visit while the cameras were rolling. She was SUCH a good sport to do it even though she was totally put on the spot and caught off guard. She made the TV story too! Campbell was sitting with me on the bed, so she's on TV too. It was pretty cool! I've requested a DVD copy from both channel 4 and channel 5 so we can show Campbell and the babies someday. Supposedly WB 33 wants to come out this week too, so who knows ... I may be on TV once again ... ha ha!! Here we are with the reporter and cameraman on Monday...

Another short and sweet update!

We have been here 8 weeks today! WOW! I can't believe it's been that long. I guess that is a good thing, since it has gone by faster than it sounds. Our sono was good news again today. Cervix still about the same...1.2ish cm. Cooper is still head-down (good girl!!) weighing 3 lbs 9 oz now, and Conley is still transverse weighing 3 lbs 13 oz. I'm excited to think that in two weeks when we get their size updates that they should be over 4 lbs!! I can't wait!! Everything still looks good! I have my fFN test tomorrow morning - I can't believe it! I may know by the end of the day tomorrow the results. We are praying for a negative so I can be discharged to go home Friday morning!!! I will still be on strict bed rest from home just as I have been here, however I will make 2 weekly trips for checkups....on Wednesdays for my sonograms with the perinatologist and on Mondays or Fridays to see my OB. It will be so nice to get to go on a car ride twice a week and have a change of scenery! I will look forward to those days for sure!!

Praise God for these past 8 weeks and for Cooper and Conley's growth!! We feel so blessed by the protection that He has provided for them. Now, I'm saying big prayers for another 4 weeks! I would love to get to 36 weeks, have a couple days on my feet to get my own bags ready and familiarize myself with my house and their nursery again. Maybe I could get a pedicure, a haircut, go to a movie :-) , play outside with Campbell and then come in to have to be scheduled for a delivery!!! How crazy would that be after all this time??? That would be awesome! Whatever God has planned, we are ready for .... but that is still my big prayer ;-) !

Thank you all for your prayers, support and encouragement!! We are SO SO SO blessed with such awesome friends and family!!

Short and sweet update!

We've now been here SEVEN weeks today!! We had our weekly sonogram today. Cooper is still head down, good news!! Conley is still transverse. Both girls lookin' good and active! We'll get their weights next Wednesday. My cervix measured 1.2 cm today, good news!! I will still get my test next Friday, September 4th, and possibly go home!! We are almost to 31 weeks, great news!!! Thank you God for these 7 weeks for Cooper and Conley to grow bigger and stronger!

Loving Two ... or Three!

OK, first I'll start with an update from our sono on Wed...I can't believe I haven't posted this yet! We are carrying over 6 lbs of baby now, woo hoo! Cooper was head down this week, very low again right on my cervix. She measured 3 lbs 1 oz as of Wed. Conley was still very high up in my ribs laying across me still (more feet down than head down though), measuring 3 lbs 4 oz! We were very pleased with their growth!! My cervix measured 1 cm, which was about a mm less than before, but pretty much the same. All good news! We also reached 30 weeks on Friday!! Praise God!!!

More good news. My VERY sweet friend Kara did the sweetest thing for us on Friday. She came to my hospital room to do a photo shoot with my belly. Campbell and Matt were in them as well. She had VERY cool ideas, and I'm so excited to have these pictures. Kara, you are so thoughtful and generous. We can't thank you enough for doing that for us! I know Friday evening was not an ideal time for you to drive out here, but thank you SO much for taking that time! God has truly blessed us with such amazing friends!! Also, Matt was so sweet to surprise me with an overnight stay on Saturday!! I haven't had anyone stay up here with me, so that was a real treat! Matt and Campbell came to "Mommy's house", as Campbell calls it, for a slumber party!! I loved being able to be with them that night and wake up with them the next morning. I think that was just the surprise that I needed right now! Thanks honey!! Sorry you didn't sleep that well on the hospital sofa bed! ;-)

OK, now on to the tougher part of my update. I've struggled more and more this past week (mainly weekend) with the guilt that I have being away from Campbell. I just feel like it is going to be a huge adjustment for her when Cooper and Conley come into her life. She will never be the "one and only" again. I know this is probably a natural and common feeling for lots of moms when they are expecting their second child (or second AND third...ha ha!), but what's made my guilt even worse is that my time leading up to this major change was cut short and I wasn't prepared for it. Sometimes, I have a pity party for myself and feel like I've been cheated out of my last months with Campbell as her mom before my attention will be shared between three....OK, I know I'm still her mom and she still knows that, but I feel cheated out of being a "normal" mom. I don't get to participate in her life the way I want to and need to, for her sake and mine. She is just so young, and it's so sad to me to wonder what she thinks of all this. Sure she is her happy self on the outside, because her Daddy is still with her and taking good care of her and she is still surrounded by so many familiar faces that love her...but I still have to wonder in her mind what she must think of this.

I have learned to let a lot of things go while being her in the hospital unable to "control" much, but not being a primary participant in caring for her and nurturing her just breaks my heart. I hate it, to be honest. When I let my mind think about it too much, I can't stop the tears. Thank God that they offer you Ambien when here on long-term bed rest and that it is safe during pregnancy ... ha ha! I would have many many hard nights otherwise. There's nothing that anyone can say to me that really comforts me or takes this guilt away. It just is what it is. I do thank God everyday for the family that we have that surround her with love and care that is still consistent with what she has known even before I was admitted. I also thank God for the protection that He has given to Conley and Cooper. The guilt is double-sided, because when I have guilt for being away from Campbell, I then have guilt for our unborn daughters. I know that this is where I need to be for their sake, so I feel bad for them when I wish I could be home with Campbell. I, of course, understand that their well-being is just as important to us, and right now, I'm the only one that can do that for them. Right now, Matt has to take care of Campbell, and I have to take care of Conley and Cooper. We can each pray for all of our children and be supportive to each other, but we can't both offer each child exactly what they need physically and emotionally. We have two very different responsibilities right now. Selfishly, I want to take part in all of it. I just can't do that right now though. I want to hold Campbell when she gets a boo boo and cries. I want to see her swimming so well. I want to be able to pick her up again. I want to give her a bath. I want to take her to birthday parties and play dates. I want to lay down with her at night when it's time for her to go to bed. I want to play with her outside. I hope that I never take these things for granted ever again. I will cherish all of these moments once I get to have them again. At the same time, when I think those things, I feel like I'm letting down our sweet miracles that are depending on me right now to do what is best for them. I want to be here laying down all day feeling their every kick and movement, knowing that they will be OK. I want to do everything in my power to get them as far along as possible before exposing them to this world. I want to bond with them and love them just as I love Campbell. I want to teach Campbell to love them as her sisters while sill letting her know that we don't love her any less. How do I do all that right now? I just can't. Right now, I pray that God get us to 36 weeks. One, so that Conley and Cooper will have fully developed lungs and hopefully be able to eat on their own right away. Two, so that I can finally be home to reconnect with Campbell and give her some reassurance of my love for her before she has to learn to share the attention. Also, so that I can have that last time with her as my "one and only" since we will never have that again.

I found this very sweet letter by an Unknown Author that a friend on Facebook had posted about a month ago. It's a very honest and sweet letter that is written from a mother to her "one and only" that is becoming an older sibling for the first time. I didn't change any of the author's words, but of course when coming from me, it would be called Loving Three :-)

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown

I love you Campbell. I love you Cooper. I love you Conley. I thank God for all three of you and the blessings that you are to your Daddy and me, and I can't wait to be home to spend time with all of you!

Here is a picture of Campbell and Mommy's first moments together. I'll never forget it! I look forward to my first moments with Conley and Cooper too!!

I love you sweet Campbell, and I hope to be home with you soon!!

Almost to our 6 week anniversary!

Tomorrow I have been here 6 weeks! There's really nothing new to report this past week. I have a sonogram tomorrow. This is one where we will find out the sizes of our girls, we really look forward to these! We are hopefully that they have both reached 3 lbs!! We're pretty confident that Miss Conley has passed up that milestone, and hopefully Cooper is still not far behind her. Of course we're also hoping that there is no change with my cervix, which has been true so far with bed rest. Since I've been here, I've had trouble gaining weight. It's been frustrating, because I eat as much as I can each day, but I still don't gain weight. This week was finally a week of weight gain! I've now gained 31 pounds for this pregnancy just short of 30 weeks, and no matter what the scale says, my tummy is growing everyday!!! Trust me, I can tell when I have to raise my bed table up higher :-) ! Along with our growing girls, I've started to have bad heartburn and even reflux at night when I sleep. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced. I have been startled awake to think I'm about to throw up or that I'm choking a few nights this past week, and just last night I actually got up to throw up a lot. It was awful!! My nurse brought me Mylanta which she had me sip slowly with a straw......YUCK! It's basically a minty, chalky milk ... and those of you that know me well, I hate milk! I can't even look at it before drinking it, because I think of milk. I talked to my doctor about what I had eaten for dinner, but she didn't think any of what I ate would cause reflux like this. I'm taking medicine for it every morning, so hopefully I get this under control. Conley is positioned really high and sometimes her entire body is laying across me just under my ribs, which I'm sure doesn't help with heartburn. Anyways, right now that is my biggest complaint. Otherwise, things seem to be going well. We'll post an update tomorrow after our sonogram!!

Campbell is still doing so well with this adjustment. She now says she's at Mommy's house when she is here to visit me, and when she refers to being home she'll say "at my house", meaning her house. I asked her if I could come live at her house soon, and she said "sure Mommy!" She also has learned her way around the Women's Center. Whenever they have come to get me for my baby shower or craft time and she's here, she likes to sit in my lap for the wheelchair ride. The room is just one room to the right of where I'm at, so she's familiar with where we are going anytime we get to go for a "ride". Well, last night I went for my NST around 8:30. Matt and my parents were both here with Campbell. She of course assumed she would get to ride with me, so we let her ride but then they would just bring her back to my room while I stayed for my test in Labor and Delivery. So, they put her in my lap for the ride, but we go the other direction down the hall than she is familiar with. She immediately asks, "are going dis way Mommy?" I said yes that we were going to a different room this time. Then, when we got to the room and I stood up to get in the bed, she said, "Mommy, this is not your bed!" I had to tell her I would go back to my bed shortly. It's so funny that she insists that I stay in MY room and MY bed where she has learned over the last 6 weeks that is where I have to stay. I look forward to being home with her soon, and I really do hope to be home for at least some period of time before the girls are born so I can reconnect with Campbell and participate with her at home before yet another major adjustment in her life.

Here are a couple sweet pictures of her yesterday. We painted her toenails blue with sparkles AND stickers!

A little bit of comic relief

My dear friend Kara has been sweet to provide me with some very entertaining emails while I've been here in the hospital to keep me laughing. I thought I would share one. Hilarious!! Of course, it so appropriately has to do with pregnancy :-)

PREGNANCY QUICKIES

What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant

When is the best time to get an epidural?

Right after you find out you're pregnant

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

Labor cause anything you want to blame it for.

When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

When the kids are in college.

How long is the average woman in labor?

Whatever she says, divided by two.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?

Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?

A misconception.

The light at end of the tunnel!

I learned today that I will take an fFN (Fetal Fibronectin) test at 32 weeks. If it is positive, I'll be here until 34 weeks and then do my last 2 weeks at home. If it is negative, I can go home and do my last 4 weeks of bed rest at home. Our ultimate goal is still 36 weeks!!! I'm feeling better and better about getting to 36 weeks, but at the same time I know that things could take a different turn in the next 7 weeks. I have a sonogram tomorrow, so I should have another weekly update tomorrow. We are almost to 29 weeks!!! Praise God!

Our sweet Campbell rode in on her new scooter yesterday when she came up to visit with Matt. Literally, she RODE into the hospital and down the hall to my room on her scooter and her helmet....hilarious!! The nurses really got a kick out of it!! Here are some pictures. She keeps us smiling always!!!