OK, first I'll start with an update from our sono on Wed...I can't believe I haven't posted this yet! We are carrying over 6 lbs of baby now, woo hoo! Cooper was head down this week, very low again right on my cervix. She measured 3 lbs 1 oz as of Wed. Conley was still very high up in my ribs laying across me still (more feet down than head down though), measuring 3 lbs 4 oz! We were very pleased with their growth!! My cervix measured 1 cm, which was about a mm less than before, but pretty much the same. All good news! We also reached 30 weeks on Friday!! Praise God!!!
More good news. My VERY sweet friend Kara did the sweetest thing for us on Friday. She came to my hospital room to do a photo shoot with my belly. Campbell and Matt were in them as well. She had VERY cool ideas, and I'm so excited to have these pictures. Kara, you are so thoughtful and generous. We can't thank you enough for doing that for us! I know Friday evening was not an ideal time for you to drive out here, but thank you SO much for taking that time! God has truly blessed us with such amazing friends!! Also, Matt was so sweet to surprise me with an overnight stay on Saturday!! I haven't had anyone stay up here with me, so that was a real treat! Matt and Campbell came to "Mommy's house", as Campbell calls it, for a slumber party!! I loved being able to be with them that night and wake up with them the next morning. I think that was just the surprise that I needed right now! Thanks honey!! Sorry you didn't sleep that well on the hospital sofa bed! ;-)
OK, now on to the tougher part of my update. I've struggled more and more this past week (mainly weekend) with the guilt that I have being away from Campbell. I just feel like it is going to be a huge adjustment for her when Cooper and Conley come into her life. She will never be the "one and only" again. I know this is probably a natural and common feeling for lots of moms when they are expecting their second child (or second AND third...ha ha!), but what's made my guilt even worse is that my time leading up to this major change was cut short and I wasn't prepared for it. Sometimes, I have a pity party for myself and feel like I've been cheated out of my last months with Campbell as her mom before my attention will be shared between three....OK, I know I'm still her mom and she still knows that, but I feel cheated out of being a "normal" mom. I don't get to participate in her life the way I want to and need to, for her sake and mine. She is just so young, and it's so sad to me to wonder what she thinks of all this. Sure she is her happy self on the outside, because her Daddy is still with her and taking good care of her and she is still surrounded by so many familiar faces that love her...but I still have to wonder in her mind what she must think of this.
I have learned to let a lot of things go while being her in the hospital unable to "control" much, but not being a primary participant in caring for her and nurturing her just breaks my heart. I hate it, to be honest. When I let my mind think about it too much, I can't stop the tears. Thank God that they offer you Ambien when here on long-term bed rest and that it is safe during pregnancy ... ha ha! I would have many many hard nights otherwise. There's nothing that anyone can say to me that really comforts me or takes this guilt away. It just is what it is. I do thank God everyday for the family that we have that surround her with love and care that is still consistent with what she has known even before I was admitted. I also thank God for the protection that He has given to Conley and Cooper. The guilt is double-sided, because when I have guilt for being away from Campbell, I then have guilt for our unborn daughters. I know that this is where I need to be for their sake, so I feel bad for them when I wish I could be home with Campbell. I, of course, understand that their well-being is just as important to us, and right now, I'm the only one that can do that for them. Right now, Matt has to take care of Campbell, and I have to take care of Conley and Cooper. We can each pray for all of our children and be supportive to each other, but we can't both offer each child exactly what they need physically and emotionally. We have two very different responsibilities right now. Selfishly, I want to take part in all of it. I just can't do that right now though. I want to hold Campbell when she gets a boo boo and cries. I want to see her swimming so well. I want to be able to pick her up again. I want to give her a bath. I want to take her to birthday parties and play dates. I want to lay down with her at night when it's time for her to go to bed. I want to play with her outside. I hope that I never take these things for granted ever again. I will cherish all of these moments once I get to have them again. At the same time, when I think those things, I feel like I'm letting down our sweet miracles that are depending on me right now to do what is best for them. I want to be here laying down all day feeling their every kick and movement, knowing that they will be OK. I want to do everything in my power to get them as far along as possible before exposing them to this world. I want to bond with them and love them just as I love Campbell. I want to teach Campbell to love them as her sisters while sill letting her know that we don't love her any less. How do I do all that right now? I just can't. Right now, I pray that God get us to 36 weeks. One, so that Conley and Cooper will have fully developed lungs and hopefully be able to eat on their own right away. Two, so that I can finally be home to reconnect with Campbell and give her some reassurance of my love for her before she has to learn to share the attention. Also, so that I can have that last time with her as my "one and only" since we will never have that again.
I found this very sweet letter by an Unknown Author that a friend on Facebook had posted about a month ago. It's a very honest and sweet letter that is written from a mother to her "one and only" that is becoming an older sibling for the first time. I didn't change any of the author's words, but of course when coming from me, it would be called Loving Three :-)
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.
I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. Author Unknown
I love you Campbell. I love you Cooper. I love you Conley. I thank God for all three of you and the blessings that you are to your Daddy and me, and I can't wait to be home to spend time with all of you!
Here is a picture of Campbell and Mommy's first moments together. I'll never forget it! I look forward to my first moments with Conley and Cooper too!!
I love you sweet Campbell, and I hope to be home with you soon!!
6 comments:
Missy, I know it's hard and no one can possibly understand. All I know for sure is that one day Campbell will truly understand that sisters are one of the greatest gifts God can give. I pray that you will have several "normal" days at home with Matt & Campbell before the twins arrive. I love you!
Oh my gosh, you made me cry, wow Missy that was so honest and beautiful. Your daughters are all so lucky to have such a loving and caring mother such as yourself!
Back many years ago, someone gave me a card that said, "How do I divide my love between four children? You don't divide your love, you multiply." It is SO true.
You dear sweet thing...I wish I had the words but I know I don't. You are a wonderful mommy and I'm sorry that you can't "feel" that right now. They do call it the "baby blues" for a reason huh! Hope your "new normal" becomes easier!
Missy, I just caught up on your blog. Your honesty made me cry...your so positive on FB each day. I feel so sad for you, but so happy that things are going so well. Campbell is such a sweetheart with so much personality. She is so happy and secure because she is surrounded by love..... she still feels love from you on each visit. This may not be how you wanted to spend your pregnancy but you can trust that it's Gods plan for you...sucks for us who like to control everything!! Look at what a awesome job Matt is doing, your love story just gets better. Love ya!
Missy, I just read your post and am aware that as you say there are no words that are going to make you feel better as how you feel is how you feel, but I think & hope you know the time you are having with Campbell at the hospital, while completely different than you or Matty (or anyone) anticipated, is completely special and will be so memorable in many good ways.
As you’re well aware of, you are confined to a hospital bed away from your house, but you & Campbell have made a lot of great memories in the hospital and I think it's been a special time for all of your kids with you – for Cooper and Conley with you AND for Campbell with you. I actually think your hospital stay could help Campbell remember better the time before the twins came out of the womb if that makes sense - that she was so excited to see & be with her mommy. And I think she will remember how you were thrilled to hang out with her, play with her, paint toenails with her, cuddle, love on her. You are a wonderful mommy to Campbell and the care you have taken the past many weeks bears witness to the love you have for all of your children. Yes, you're taking care of Cooper & Conley, but you are still taking care of sweet Campbell right now and you are doing a fabulous job at it. I’m sure she will be excited to have you home as well, but I think the time you have shared with her at the hospital is very special too.
And for the record, I think that even after the twins are born - it may be after you get through the first many months or year or whatever the timeframe is - you will have incredible, special moments with each child on their own including Campbell. Yes, you have more children, but those moments that are you with Campbell that are so sweet and are incredible blessings do not end... and that part I can say from experience.
I am excited that all has gone well for the past many weeks in the hospital, that you have such an incredible attitude, and that Matty is a wonderful supporter to you & your whole family. I’m excited to hear more! Sending you lots of love...
Post a Comment